


Insanity Times Two

by kiyala



Category: Bleach
Genre: Dark, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-03-11
Updated: 2007-03-21
Packaged: 2017-10-12 02:25:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/119762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiyala/pseuds/kiyala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ichigo is overwhelmed by his Hollow and battles it within the confines of his own mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Insanity Times Two (Part One)

  
"How would you have liked it if we killed him, right there?"

He frowns, but gives no other indication that he has heard the words.

"Did you see him? Hear him calling your name as if he could bring you back? That pathetic, desperate screaming?"

There is a short silence that he needs all of his self control to maintain.

"We should've killed him. Just so we could see the fear shining in those pretty blue eyes. Or maybe we should've killed him after we—"

"Shut the fuck up." The words are loud, made louder as they echo in the nothingness. "There is no _we_. I'm me. You're just…"

The other voice eats up the hesitation. "I'm just a part of you."

"No. Fucking. Way. I've said it before. I have nothing to do with you."

"On the contrary, King. You have _everything_ to do with me."

*

  
It had started with death. Or perhaps it started with a lack of control. He could not afford a second less, he could not risk a second more… but battles were never so convenient. Perhaps a few Espada could be disposed of in this manner, but he was destined to fight Aizen, and this fight was not one that could be finished in a matter of seconds.

So it went from a few seconds to half a minute. Half a minute to an entire minute. One minute to…

By that time, the few remaining Espada were engaged in battle with his friends. But yet, they could all afford the confused looks when they saw something on his face that they did not recognised. And then afford the few seconds of horrified silence once they recognised it for what it was.

What was he doing?

 _How_ was he doing it?

Had he gone fucking insane?

They were too busy questioning his actions to notice that he'd lost control of himself.

Aizen, impressed, had paused their fight to offer a place on _their_ side. Directly under him once he became the ruler of heaven. In an unsettling, distorted voice came the reply:

"I think it's about time _I_ become the King."

Perhaps Aizen was dead before he had the time to realise. Perhaps the other members of the Espada were dead before _they_ realised their leader was gone. His friends started blankly at the bodies in front of them before turning to see the Hollow, now very clearly out of control, wiping the blood off his blade using Aizen's now blood-stained cloak before turning to them.

Ishida was the first to realise how bad their situation really was. Or perhaps he was just the first to react. Pulling Orihime out of the way, he found Sado and the three of them stood close; shaken but ready to attack if that was what it came down to. Nodding silently, Renji put an arm around Rukia defensively as they both draw their zanpakuto again, staring tensely at the Hollow, standing and laughing as it watched them.

Isshin made an attempt to run towards the creature, but was promptly grabbed and held backwards by Ryuuken, who hissed a reminder that the ex-Shinigami wasn't supposed to do anything stupid. Urahara watched on in silence, observing the situation with an unreadable expression although he was gripping his cane a little tighter than necessary.

Others, however, weren't as smart.

*

  
"They're dead. All of them. It's your fault."

The eyes lose their anger for a moment, consumed by guilt. The glow dies out and is replaced by an emptiness that echoes throughout the entire body.

"Dead, dead, dead. I wonder if Zangetsu liked the taste of their blood. I wonder if they even bled. We were moving too fast, I don't remember seeing."

"Shut up," comes the raspy voice, hands gripping onto hair, almost pulling it out, " _SHUT UP_!"

"You make a funny sight. You look insane."

" _You're driving me crazy._ "

"I'm not driving you anywhere. I'm just showing you what you refused to see without me."

"I was fine before. This is worse than death."

"As caring as I am, I wouldn't kill you no matter how much you begged. Troublesome as you are, I need you to stick around."

"…I thought you were trying to kill me."

"No. Not kill. I just want to break you."

There is a long silence. "You're fucking sick."

"…wide, pretty blue eyes filled with fear… fragile little arms pinned by either side of his head, torn material all over the place…"

" _SHUT THE FUCK UP._ "

*

  
Urahara had taken him back to the Living World with little difficulty, and had locked him in the basement. With whatever little control he had left, Ichigo had managed to ask Zangetsu to wrap its bandages around him; not even Urahara could fully understand why. To impede the Hollow, perhaps. Or even to stop it. Maybe even – and his eyes darkened as he thought of the possibility – to smother both of them to death. He chose to believe that the youth had done it to buy himself some time to fight the Hollow back into submission; he must have done it two or three times now, at the very least.

The children (for, regardless of their accomplishments, that is what they are still considered) are instructed to return to school and do their best to catch up on all the work they have missed. Orihime, who blames herself for everything, protests vehemently, saying that she would need to be around when Ichigo returns to his normal self, in case he has injuries that need to be tended to. But Unohana and other shinigami from the fourth division are staying at the shouten to heal the wounded shinigami that had fought before they return to Soul Society, so this argument does not work.

For a brief moment, Sado also refuses to leave until he knows that Ichigo is fine. But then as he looks to Urahara for a response, he notices the poorly-hid stress in the grey eyes, and drops the subject completely, leaving with a low and sincere bow.

Ishida, however, says nothing. He makes no sound of protest, his expression doesn't change, and he doesn't look at anyone. He is the first to leave, and he does so with a nod of the head and a quiet word of thanks to Urahara for helping them. He sits in the front passenger seat of Ryuuken's car without looking at his companions. Ryuuken doesn't say very much either before starting up the engine and driving away.

Rukia, who is also staying at the shouten, is torn between going to school with Ichigo's friends to make sure they are okay, and staying with her comrades to ensure they recover properly. She knows that she has to return to Soul Society with the others once they are all healed, regardless of whether Ichigo returns before this time. As days go by, she becomes more and more worried, doubting whether she will be able to see Ichigo again. Renji, who doesn't leave her side for more than half an hour every day ensures her that she is worrying for nothing, and that Ichigo will be fine. That they will be able to see him again; that he won't be consumed by the power he couldn't control.

Isshin feels a confusing mix of emotions, the strongest ones being anger, the instinct to stay out of it and let his son work it out, and – for the first time in years – fear. Some days, he stays at home and takes care of the clinic. Others days are spent at the shouten, where he yells and claims that of all people, Urahara, one of his oldest friends, has betrayed him.

There are questions at school. Where they have been, where Ichigo is, what they have been doing. For each question, there are several rumours to sate the curiosity of many students in the grade. Orihime breaks down in class when she is asked where Ichigo is one too many times. Sado and Tatsuki take care of her, ensuring that she doesn't say more than is necessary. Ishida stops speaking. He doesn't answer questions in class, he pretends that he cannot hear his classmates when they address him, and even though he now constantly looks as though he is about to collapse, he is always the first to class and last one to leave. He manages to top the grade during their exams, despite having little more than a week to prepare for them once he returns to school and he becomes even more immersed in his textbooks than he was even before Ichigo brought him into his world.

*

  
It is not easy for him to measure time in this place. It doesn't help that his brain is too stressed to think of anything other than how to breathe and how to move. He doesn't know how long they have been fighting for; he doesn't even remember who had initiated it. He doesn't remember the transition from yelling at the Hollow to charging at it with his zanpakuto, but he knows that none of it is very important at the moment.

The Hollow dodges his attacks with frustrating precision; as if it all comes naturally – as if it has been in many more battles than he has. He has very little time to think about this, however, as all of his energy goes into dodging the blade that is thrust at him less than a second after he attacks.

Attack, dodge. Dodge, attack. It is a deadly dance that carries on for hours; even if his mind is incapable of keeping track of time, his body can register the fatigue creeping into his muscles – slowing his reflexes, occasionally blurring his vision. He feels his heart pace quickening with panic and strain, but he is encouraged by the fact that he can see similar signs of fatigue in the Hollow. In fact, the beast seems to be tiring even quicker than he is; he pins it to the fact that the colourless duplicate of him had been running around and spinning its own version of Zangetsu like an absolute idiot.

He lets himself slow down, but instead of the panic he felt all the other times he did so, there is something different in his eyes. Calculation, analysis, theories, hypotheses…

A plan.

*

  
As days pass by, the rings under Ishida's eyes become darker and what were once bright blue eyes lose their shine. It has been half a month since anyone has heard him speak – except perhaps for Ryuuken, but no one is game enough to ask.

He stops acknowledging Orihime and Sado – looking ahead as he walks instead of allowing his eyes to linger on their familiar faces for a second or two. Orihime, who is concerned about Ishida's behaviour, corners him one afternoon and asks him if he is like this because of Ichigo. Upon hearing the name, a little life returns to the dead eyes and Orihime knows enough without needing a verbal answer. Not that she is given one – a few silent seconds later, his eyes become dark and empty again and he pushes past her as he leaves school to spend his afternoon at Ryuuken's hospital as he always does.

Orihime and Sado watch him leave from the window and the orange-haired girl looks like she is about to cry.

"What's wrong with Ishida-kun? And why hasn't Kurosaki-kun come back yet? What's happening to them? I don't understand what's going on."

Sado hums thoughtfully, looking at both of his hands and then clenching them into fists. "They're both independent people. They need to work through this by themselves. If we give them some more time, they'll both be back to normal."

"Kurosaki-kun…" Orihime presses her palm against the window and looks at her feet, tears running down her cheeks before she wipes them away, "I want him to come back."

"Mm." Sado does not know how to comfort crying girls and simply nods. "We all need him back here. We have to believe in him."

*

  
Sweat mixes with blood as they continue fighting. There is blood coming from his mouth and dripping down his chin, but he can no longer remember how he received the wound. He is covered with so many cuts, and is bleeding from so many places that one single wound seems insignificant. The Hollow is also bleeding all over – the paleness of the body contrasting with the deep red that is splattered over it.

He tightens his grip on his zanpakuto and frowns at the Hollow resolutely. It is now or never. Summoning all of his remaining energy, he focuses it into one last attack, noticing – as he lunges towards the Hollow – that it is doing the same.

They both stagger, throwing up blood as they fall forward and use their zanpakuto to hold them up. Seconds pass by, feeling like minutes, until one of them slowly slides to the floor in silence, body surrounded in the pooling blood.

The other turns to look at the body on the ground in silence for a long moment before a wide grin spreads across the face and a loud shout is let out in triumph, fading into laughter that sounds… unsettlingly distorted.  


…


	2. Insanity Times Two (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm afraid the tone of this is extremely different to the first part... I couldn't control the sap factor, so I apologise if anyone finds this too mushy xD;;

  
Ichigo lies there for days, looking at all of the other buildings in his sideways world as he slowly gathers the energy to sit up again. Upon doing so, he discovers two things – one, that the top half of his shinigami clothing has been removed and replaced with bandages that are red with blood, but dry enough to tell him that he is no longer bleeding; and two, that Zangetsu is sitting near him and watching him carefully.

"Thank you, ossan," Ichigo blurts, his speech coming out too fast as he fails to keep his emotions under check, "For helping stop me when I asked… if you didn't, Uryuu could've—"

"If anything happened to him," Zangetsu says, his voice patient as he looks at the building they are sitting on, "It would never stop raining here."

Without saying anything, Ichigo tilts his head and looks ahead of him at the sky, which is a bright blue with no clouds.

"Are you ready to go back?" the sword spirit asks, looking at the redhead, "It's been four weeks since we've returned from Hueco Mundo."

Nodding, the shinigami gets to his feet. Hesitating for a moment, he looks at Zangetsu and considers asking him a few questions; where the Hollow has gone – for he isn't entirely sure that it has disappeared – and more importantly… about the laugh he heard before he lost consciousness, just after felling the monster. He frowns and touches his face, checking for the mask just in case. Breathing a sigh of relief when he feels nothing but his own skin, he picks his sword up and uses it to help him stand, nodding his thanks to the spirit of his blade before his inner world fades and he finds himself in the training ground in the basement of Urahara Shouten.

For some reason, once he is out of his inner world, the weariness returns to him. As though the facts that he has not eaten or slept for a month are material things that have been waiting to greet him upon his return to the material world. He groans, doubling over and clutching onto his zanpakuto for support, but somehow manages to climb the long ladder up to the main part of the shouten without falling. Once he pushes the trapdoor aside and heaves himself out, he collapses on the floor as the breath he had been holding during the climb is let out.

Ururu is passing by, broom in hand, and lets out a surprised squeak, as though the motion had happened faster than it had felt for Ichigo. She surveys his face for a moment, as though looking for familiarity, and then finally dips into a low bow. "Welcome back, Kurosaki-kun."

  


  


*

  


  
"Are you really going to let yourself waste away over a _Shinigami_ , Uryuu?"

By his choice of words, it is clear that he is not pleased, but the tone of Ishida's father's voice is unusually gentle. This is because his words are distressingly true: because since their return from Hueco Mundo, Ishida has been spending all of his time studying, has only been having one meal a day – and that only through a great deal of force by his father – and has been spending more time sitting awake in the darkness, with an empty look on his face, than he has been sleeping. Ishida Ryuuken had always thought that his son couldn't get any skinnier, but the frail skeleton that is Ishida Uryuu sits before him at the table, staring at some space beyond the pages of the textbook he bends his head over. His father feels a painful little jolt of relief that his son has held onto at least enough of his pride to cry in private – if he cries at all. The older man sighs wearily before turning back to the kettle on the stove.

"I don't see why you should comment," comes the quiet whisper that is nothing more than a faint echo of what Ishida's voice once was. "I thought you hated them. Your best friend is one."

"Isshin—" the name comes automatically from his lips and he pauses for a moment. "Kurosaki-san is a different matter. He… he gave up his powers to be with the woman he loved. So he could have a life. Have you seen the Shinigami that came from Soul Society, Uryuu? How can one expect to have a life when all they have is that overbearing sense of duty?"

Ishida trembles, and his father cannot tell whether it is due to whatever strong emotions are surging inside of him, or if it is because he is about to faint. It turns out to be the former.

"Ichigo has that sense of duty. He also has a life… I'm part of it, so don't tell me I'm wrong."

"You were a major part of it, Uryuu," his father whispers, his voice even, having resigned himself to this fact long ago. He ignores the small stab of pain that comes with hearing his son call the other boy by his first name. "But don't you see where it got him? He had it worse than the others. He had to bear the burden of his material _and_ his spiritual ones. It became too heavy for him."

"Don't talk about him in the past tense!" For the first time in a month, his voice sounds like what it once was – angry, defiant, confident.

"It's been a month, Uryuu."

Ishida jumps to his feet looking ready to yell again, but his knees buckle as his previous outburst had used up what little energy he had. His father gives him a look of profound sadness and brings a bowl of soup to the table. "Drink it. Otherwise you won't be alive if— _when_ Kurosaki-kun returns."

When Ishida lifts his head to look at the steaming bowl of tomato soup, the father's heart momentarily stops upon seeing the two faint trails of tears down his son's sunken cheeks.

*

  
Isshin only just arrives when Ururu walks into the main room of the shouten and bows to the shop owner. "Kisuke-san, he's back."

His first reaction is to scream happily, but the doctor gives his friend a dangerous look instead, "Don't question him about things he doesn't want to talk about. It can wait."

The blonde merely inclines his head, taking his hat off as the other man walks towards the back of the building.

Ichigo isn't aware that he has passed out until he comes to in his father's arms. He tenses for a moment, knowing that his body is in no state to respond to Isshin's usual way of greeting him, but he relaxes the moment he sees the expression on his father's face. Instead of punching him, he touches the shoulder of the arm wrapped around him. "Dad."

"How dare you upset your sisters so much!"

There is a moment of silence as Ichigo processes this information. "…What happened to Kon?"

"He's still there, taking care of your body for you, but aren't you aware of how obvious the difference is?"

Ichigo sounds more panicked this time, "Karin – she can sense reiatsu, can't she? She… she'd know that it wasn't me. But Yuzu—"

Isshin looks away before his gaze returns to his son. "They've developed. I suppose that with all of the Shinigami all over the place, it would make sense."

He doesn't know what to feel; happiness for his sister who had always wanted to be able to see and speak to spirits the way that her siblings could, or dread for the danger this could attract to her. Judging by the expression on his father's face, it doesn't seem like Isshin has been able to come to a conclusion about it either.

He remembers Rukia and Renji, "Are the other Shinigami still here?"

"They returned to Soul Society two weeks ago," the one who responds isn't Isshin. Ichigo lifts his head and sees Rukia standing there in a gigai, arms folded and a look of immense relief in her eyes. "Renji had to leave because he's a vice-captain. I was assigned to supervise Karakura again, so I remained here."

"Rukia…!" There is a happiness in his tired voice that reminds him that something is missing. He feels guilty for feeling as though he is at such a great loss when he is able to see his friend again. For this reason, he avoids her eyes when he asks, "How are the others?"

"Sado and Orihime are fine," she replies with a curt nod, not saying any more. Ichigo's shoulders sag when he doesn't hear the name he is waiting for.

"I need to go—"

"Home," Isshin cuts in, and if it isn't for his slightly watery eyes, it would be the first time he had ever said something so commanding to his son. He takes a breath and sighs. "Come home. You need to eat, and sleep."

Ichigo, despite the fatigue gripping his body at the reminder of his lack of nourishment, already feels impatient. "I'll go home and spend time with the girls for an hour. Then I'm eating, and going to…"

He doesn't know why he can't say it. Perhaps it's because of thinking of Ishida's house – or maybe just thinking about _Ishida_ hurts too much. He closes his eyes and then immediately opens them with a shudder when he remembers what the Hollow had been saying to him. He slowly stands, gripped with the grim knowledge that he has to look into those blue eyes, touch that face, be with Ishida again. He knows that only then, he would feel as if things are alright.

The time in between passes quicker than he expects – but this may have something to do with the fact that he expects it to drag on, feeling like eternity. Seeing his sisters again, having them cling to him with tears in their eyes, sitting with them and being told of all the things he has missed; these all fill his heart with a wonderful sensation that feels absolutely empty each time his thoughts wander to Ishida. He tries to ignore it, enjoying the happy, lighthearted feeling while it's there. The burn in his chest when he thinks of Ishida, he will deal with later.

Yuzu insists on feeding him as soon as he arrives at home, and then she feeds him again before he leaves. She asks Ichigo to sleep before leaving, and Karin stops her from arguing when Ichigo refuses, seeing and maybe even understanding the troubled look in his brown eyes every time there is a suggestion thrown in the air that will delay him from seeing Ishida.

He goes upstairs, greets Kon, thanking him for taking care of his body, not caring enough to worry about what the mod-soul had done while inside it, and switches back to his human form. There is only a subtle difference between how it feels to be in his Shinigami form and his human form. It is not something he has ever noticed before, but after spending so long out of his body, he is suddenly aware of every single conscious movement of his muscles, the weight of his body, the feeling of being something material again. He is awed by the discovery of how much he had missed it. Kon is the one who brings him out of his reverie, beginning to whine about how the lion plushie feels so cramped and useless after so long in a human body. Ichigo looks at him silently for a second or two, but says nothing before he leaves.

The walk to Ishida's flat is something that Ichigo doesn't need to think of consciously. Every step, every turn is memorised – stored away somewhere deep in his mind, most probably alongside his knowledge of how to breathe, how to eat and other important things that came automatically. In his pocket, his hand is clasped around the spare key to the flat – because he wants to surprise Ishida, but mostly because he wants to see Ishida before Ishida sees him.

He turns the key and opens the door, walking inside. The grin on his face is slowly replaced by a look of confusion when he finds the place empty. It occurs to him only then to check the time, the rectangular clock on the wall telling him that it is one in the afternoon. He does not know what day it is. He makes his way to Ishida's bedroom, finding the bed neatly done as always and sits on it, sinking into the mattress. It is a double bed that Ichigo had pitched in for – because they both know that it is easier than squeezing together on a single mattress.

However, being alone of the large bed makes him feel lonely and he lies down, his arms spread out over his head as he stares at the ceiling, wondering how Ishida sleeps there when Ichigo doesn't stay the night – if it feels empty and lonely to Ishida too. He scowls, feeling too tired after the walk to wrinkle his brow completely and ends up looking troubled instead. There is another clock in the bedroom and he checks it, realising that only three minutes have passed. If Ishida is at school, he will come home at six. Seven, if Handicrafts Club is on. That gives him five hours to pass, at the very least, and he doesn't want to leave until he has seen Ishida.

He considers sleeping to pass the time, but then decides against it, still wary of the memories of the Hollow than had bothered him earlier.

"Uryuu…" he murmurs, even though he knows that other than him, the flat is empty. He sighs and only then, remember his fatigue. Sinking back into the mattress beneath him, he resigns himself to waiting.

*

  
"I'm going home."

"You're not."

It is not the first – or even the tenth – time that they've had this discussion. Ishida sounds as weary of this repetition as his father is, but persists all the same. The reasons that he cannot leave his father's house are always the same: if he isn't eating or sleeping here, there is little chance that he would there; he needs someone to be there and keep him company while he is getting over the shock of all that happened in Hueco Mundo; and although it isn't said, it is strangely clear that his father just does not want him to leave.

Ishida, however, does not share the sentiment. He finds the environment of the house oppressive, which he suspects has to do with the fact that he is pining for someone that his father does not approve of, or perhaps because he believes that in times like this, he would be better off in a place that feels secure and familiar – which his childhood home does not.

He is silent in thought for a moment before asking quietly, "Will you at least allow me to get a few more things from there? I didn't bring anything except for my school uniform, the clothes I trained in, and the clothes I wore to Hueco Mundo with me."

The older Quincy fixes him with a stare that makes him feel as if his mind is being probed. After a moment, there is a nod. Ishida gets to his feet and goes to his room, folding his Quincy clothes and school uniform, putting them into a bag, which he wears on his shoulders as he leaves the house. He doesn't feel guilty for lying to his father, but the look in the narrow blue eyes that watch him leave gives him a feeling of discomfort that he cannot shake as he walks back to his flat.

*

  
It is two thirty, and Ichigo is surprised that he has managed to pass an hour and a half by just staring at the ceiling of Ishida's bedroom. The barest hint of a grin flashes across his face as he thinks of all the other times he has seen the ceiling – all of those times, with Ishida in the bed with him. The despair hits him harder than he expects as his heart clenches up with the need to see the dark-haired boy again. He doesn't want to think of how much longer there is to wait, the mere seconds ticking by are driving him insane, he doesn't know what to think of the hours ahead.

Then, from the thought of insanity, he thinks again of the laugh he had heard. He immediately regrets not asking Zangetsu, because as soon as he thinks of it now, he begins to feel troubled. He tries to come up with explanations by himself – perhaps it has something in similar with the concept of Yin and Yang, perhaps it was the darkness within him that came out upon destroying the Hollow. He frowns, unsure of whether or not it is plausible. He knows one thing for sure – and that is that he had brought the Hollow down. Whether he has killed it or forced it back into submission, however, he cannot tell.

He is too wrapped up in his thoughts that he does not notice the sound of the doorknob turning, or of the footsteps inside the flat.

Ishida walks to his bedroom and stops, leaning against the doorframe and panting a little. He hasn't eaten anything yet today, and the walk from home to his father's house is long. Closing his eyes as he regains his breath, he opens them and starts.

"I-Ichigo—?" he isn't sure if the lack of food and sleep has made him delirious, but he hopes not, his eyes regaining at least half of their usual brightness immediately.

The figure lying on the bed jumps a little and Ichigo sits up, looking tired but extremely happy. "Uryuu."

They stare at each other in stunned silence for a moment before Ishida realises that he had not felt Ichigo's presence when he had entered the flat, "What happened to your reiatsu?"

There is a confused look in Ichigo's eyes that tell Ishida that he hasn't noticed any difference, but this does not mean very much.

"Uh… I dunno. Why? Does it feel different?"

"I _can't_ feel it."

"Oh." Ichigo is silent in thought for a moment and then sighs, falling back onto the bed and staring at the ceiling once again, "It's okay. Probably just used it all up when I was fighting the Hollow. I'm just tired."

"Sleep?" It was both a question and a suggestion.

"Nah," Ichigo replied to both meanings, "Can't. Keep thinking about the Hollow."

"Oh." Ishida feels troubled each time Ichigo refers to the Hollow, but says nothing of it.

There is a long silence and neither of them can tell whether it is comfortable or uncomfortable. It seems to be a strange mix of both.

"C'mere," Ichigo murmurs, patting space beside him on the bed.

A smile spreads across Ishida's lips even though the rest of him looks tired. "No. You come here."

Ichigo sits up and stares into the blue eyes with disarming affection before standing. By the time he has crossed the room, Ishida finds that he is no longer capable of holding up the façade that everything is fine and he reaches his arms around Ichigo's shoulders, holding him close.

"I'm so sorry—" Ichigo whispers, his lips moving towards Ishida's, but is unable to kiss the other boy before he is hit on the shoulder, hard.

"You _bastard_ ," Ishida hisses, looking into Ichigo's eyes with tears in his own. "Why did you have to do something so stupid and noble like that and make us worry so much? What the fuck were all the bandages for? I thought you were dead."

"I had to," the redhead replies fervently, "If I didn't stop the Hollow… damn it, I had to buy myself some time. If I didn't stop it, you would've been next to die. You… you should be glad you didn't hear all the shit he was saying to me about you. What he wanted to do with you— I couldn't let him."

Ishida notes the change in pronoun Ichigo uses to refer to the Hollow, but with the fear shining in the brown eyes, he knows it's better not to comment. Instead, he looks away and – with anger still in his voice – says, "I would have preferred that to believing you were dead – to not knowing if I'd ever see you again. Thinking my last words to you were just me screaming for you to stop. It felt—"

Ishida is silenced with a deep kiss and Ichigo has one hand on his shoulder, the other holding the back of his head. They sway, neither of them being strong enough to remain standing for much longer, and Ichigo pushes them both against a wall for support. Fighting down the moan as the redhead's warm tongue pushes past his lips, both of them desperate for the familiar taste of the other's mouth once again, Ishida places his hands against Ichigo's chest, getting a bit of distance between them. He is still upset.

"Damn it, Ichigo. What did you expect me to do if you never came back?"

The question makes Ichigo's brow crease again and there is a serious look in his eyes, "I don't know, Uryuu. Maybe the same thing you expected me to do if you never broke that deal with your dad?"

"You can't compare that. At least I wouldn't have been _dead_. And you knew I was going to go back on my word. This… this is different."

"Uryuu," Ichigo's voice is shaking and he doesn't try to hide it, "For fuck's sake, I could've _killed_ you."

"I'd rather die at your hands than have to live without you," the Quincy replies with a defiant look, "You belong to _me_ , Kurosaki Ichigo. Don't you dare forget it."

Ichigo stares at him with an unreadable look for a long moment before his hands hold the sides of Uryuu's face.

"I won't," he whispers, kissing the pale lips which are a light pink by the time he pulls away. They rest their foreheads against each other and Ichigo's hand strokes the other boy's long bangs. "Love you, Uryuu."

*

  
After making some food for both of them, eating as much as they could, and almost immediately falling asleep together in the double bed, Ichigo wakes up at six. Ishida is still asleep beside him and the redhead is careful not to disturb him as he gets out of bed, carelessly running a hand through his hair as he searches Ishida's desk for some paper and a pen. Scrawling a short note, he walks back to the bed, smiling at Uryuu's sleeping form. The Quincy is curled up on his side, glasses on the table beside him, mouth open by a fraction and his hair across his face. Bending over the mattress to make sure he doesn't disturb it, he places the folded note in Uryuu's half-open hand, which had held onto the material of Ichigo's shirt as they slept, and kisses the hand before he leaves the flat.

The first place that comes to mind is Sado's house, and he finds that he knows how to walk there from Ishida's place. He grins as his best friend answers the door, looking surprised.

"Yo. That's probably the most emotion I've ever seen on your face, Chad."

Sado invites him in, pulling out a couple of soda bottles from the fridge. They sit and talk for an hour – which Ichigo believes is the most time he has heard Sado speak almost-continuously. Sado tells him of everyone's reaction to what he termed as "the Hollow thing" and of everything significant that had happened after then; Urahara making them attend school, Rukia worrying, Tatsuki worrying, Keigo and Mizuiro worrying, Orihime worrying… he doesn't mention Ishida, as though he is aware that they have already met. Ichigo appreciates it, half-afraid to know how much of an effect his absence had had on the Quincy… already severely worried by the fact that Ishida looks like he has lost more weight than could possibly be healthy. When Ichigo is leaving, Sado brings up Orihime.

"Are you going to visit Inoue?"

Ichigo pauses and blinks, "Yeah. I wanna know what happened to her in that place… why? Shouldn't I bring it up? Maybe she doesn't wanna talk about it… I should try asking Sandal-Hat first, eh?"

The corners of Sado's mouth are turned down, "I don't think you should ask her about it. But you should go and see her. She'll be… very happy to know you're safe."

Nodding, Ichigo puts his shoes back on at the door. "Yeah. I'll see you at school, Chad."

He gets lost on the way to Orihime's house, because he has only been there once before. Frustrated that he is delaying himself from getting back to Ishida's house sooner, he calls on her reiraku, giving it a sharp tug of irritation before following it.

"Kurosaki-kun!" comes the excited squeak when Orihime opens the door, and arms wrap around him before he has time to figure out that he is being hugged. He doesn't know what to do, but Orihime takes a step back soon after, blushing madly. "I mean… wow! You're back!"

"Inoue," he greets her with a small smile, "How are you?"

"Me? I'm fine!" she replies, stepping into her house as a silent invitation for him to enter, "How about you? It's been so long since we came back – what were you doing all that time?"

"Fighting with the Hollow," the Shinigami replies without emotion. "It took a lot to bring him down."

"Oh, 'him'…?" Orihime gave him an embarrassed smile, "I never thought that Hollows were males or females until I saw the ones Aizen made… but they weren't normal Hollows, were they?"

"This one wasn't normal either," Ichigo says quietly, looking at the floor, "He… he looked like me. I mean… on the outside, I don't know what it looked like to you, but when I was in my inside world… in my head, or wherever the hell it is… he looked like me."

There is a long, uncomfortable silence and Orihime breaks it with a flustered cry: "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to bring that up! I… I didn't think you would want to talk about it, but I made you talk about it anyway!"

He stares at her for a while, then remembers Ishida, probably still asleep at his flat, and feels a strong urge to return there. "Uh, maybe I should—"

"Ishida-kun was really upset," Orihime suddenly blurts out, and then looks as if she has revealed the most intimate secret of a best friend. "Um, I mean… he was really upset when you did that thing with the bandages. Could you hear him screaming for you? Not even 'Kurosaki', but _your_ name! You scared him really bad, Kurosaki-kun… he didn't even eat, sleep or talk since we got back. I've seen him at school, but he doesn't talk to us any more, he just studies and does his work… he came first in our recent grading tests you know. Even after we missed out on so much! He's really smart… oh, and I think Occhi-sensei said that if you return soon, you'll have to do your exams late so they can grade you too… you're lucky, because if they didn't do that, then you would probably be coming last in the grade. Can you imagine that? If you were last and Ishida-kun was first… Ohh… but Ishida-kun's probably told you all of this, hasn't he? You've already seen him… haven't you?"

Ichigo's head is spinning with all of the new information – particularly about Ishida not taking care of himself – so all he can do is nod silently. He sees an odd, sad look in Orihime's eyes that he has seen of a few occasions before but has never been able to place.

"Y-you must be really important to Ishida-kun, if he worried that much," she whispers, and Ichigo frowns, finally understanding the meaning behind the sad look.

Not knowing what he can say to make her feel any better, he slowly gets to his feet. "…I should probably get going. I'll see you at school okay? …Take care."

She gives him a small smile as he leaves and Ichigo is unable to shake the guilt that weighs down on him as he walks back to Ishida's flat.

*

  
Ishida wakes in a panic, grabbing for Ichigo beside him. There is nothing there, and he gasps, sitting up. He then notices the note in his hand, and unfolds it as he grabs for his glasses.

 _Uryuu,_

 _Go back to sleep. Just went out to check on the others. I'll be back soon._

Breathing a sigh of relief, Ishida places the note on his bedside table, taking off his glasses as he lies back down. His hand slides over the part of the bed where Ichigo had been before, and he is comforted by the lingering warmth there. After drifting off to sleep a few times, he finally decides to get up and cook something, because he is beginning to feel hungry, and Ichigo probably will be as well. He is half-way through making his favourite miso mackerel stew when he hears the door open as Ichigo lets himself in.

"Hey, you woke up, huh?" Ichigo greets the other boy by wrapping his arms around the Quincy's waist and kissing the back of his neck. Ishida smiles as he leans back into the redhead's arms, turning his head to give him a kiss in return.

"Yeah. You hungry? Give me a few more minutes and this should be ready, I'm making enough for both of us."

Ichigo's gaze drops to the floor at Ishida's words and his arms loosen around the other boy, "…Inoue told me you haven't been eating, or sleeping… or talking. You think you could tell me what the hell's going on…?"

"Nothing," comes the reply, a little too sharply. Ishida's hand lets go of the wooden spoon he is using to mix the miso and he turns his head to look at Ichigo, his soft and relaxed expression gone and replaced by something more sharp. "Forget about it."

Ichigo is not happy with this reply, so he decides to push the other boy, "Uryuu… what—"

"I told you to forget about it," Ishida cuts in, turning around this time so he is face to face with the redhead, "I'm eating now, aren't I? I've slept, I'm talking. You're here, you're alive, and that's all that matters. It was nothing."

Ichigo stares at him for a moment in stunned silence. Then, he leans forward and closes the gap between them with a fierce kiss, holding onto Ishida's shoulders, his hand then dropping to hold the other boy's hips, then around his back, pressing their bodies close together. "You _idiot_."

"Like you can talk," Ishida scoffs against the light pink lips that are pressed against his before he kisses them again, "Now, if you don't let me turn around, the food is going to get burnt."

Ichigo reluctantly loosens his hold on the other boy and Ishida returns to his cooking. The redhead moves to the table and sits down, leaning back on the chair and staring at the ceiling, which he has taken an odd liking to doing.

There is a long silence during which he listens to Ishida cook before he clears his throat. "Inoue… uh…"

"Is in love with you," Ishida replies softly, not taking his eyes off the pot of miso.

Ichigo starts, the other's words having a much higher potency than what he was going to say. He sinks into his chair, his brow slightly furrowed in a troubled look. "You knew?"

"For a long time," comes the reply as the miso is transferred into bowls and brought to the table, "Perhaps even longer than I knew that I did."

Taking his bowl out of Ishida's hands, Ichigo scowls, "I wish you wouldn't talk about this so lightly, Uryuu."

"What do you want me to say?" Ishida asks patiently, sitting across from him at the small table, "Do you want me to be jealous?"

" _No_ ," Ichigo makes a face, "But… damn it, what the hell do I do?"

Ishida sighs and looks up, "What do you think you can do? Ignore it, pretend you don't know, forget it if you can. Anything you'll say about it would just hurt her."

"Uryuu…" Ichigo's voice is pleading, desperate for an easy solution to this. Ishida wonders if Ichigo knows that he had gone through this before, and that it was harder for him because he had done it alone. He stops eating and rests his elbows on the table, his chin on his hands.

"Things don't always work out the way we'd like them to, Ichigo," he murmurs, "I'm sure you saw that for yourself in Hueco Mundo."

The brown eyes lose their shine for a moment and both boys stare at the table in silence.

"I…" Ichigo begins and his eyes widen, as though a thought has suddenly hit him. He looks up with urgency and Ishida immediately dreads what comes next.

"Uryuu…! W-what happened to Nell, and the Desert Brothers, or whatever they were called? They… they didn't… I didn't…"

The Quincy's heart sinks and he says nothing for a long time. Ichigo's shoulders sag, the silence being enough of an answer for him. "No… no, please don't tell me I did it."

"It wasn't you," Ishida says in nothing more than a whisper, as though he is trying to convince himself of the fact as well, "…It was the Hollow. Not you."

"It's the same fucking thing!" Ichigo slams his fist down on the table and miso spills out of their bowls. "Either way you look at it, it's my fucking fault!"

Ishida is spurred to his feet, either by irritation or desperation – he cannot tell which – and reaches across the table to hit Ichigo's face. Hard. The redhead brings his hand to the part of his cheek that stings, looking at the boy in front of him in bewilderment. Ishida's breathing is heavy and it takes a few minutes for his shoulders to stop shaking. He gives Ichigo a sorry look, but does not apologise as he sinks back into his chair.

"Don't do that, _ever again_ ," he half-growls. His words also sound like he is begging the redhead, but the look in his eyes make it seem unlikely. "It's not your fault for what happened when you lost control of the Hollow. I don't want to hear you taking blame for it."

"But… _Nell_!" Ichigo's voice is thick with despair, "She… she _trusted_ me, Uryuu. She was relying on me!"

"We all were," Ishida responds, "If anything, _we're_ the ones at fault. We relied on you to do everything, to be stronger, to push yourself. And you did. You did to the point where you acquired a Hollow… but even that wasn't enough for us. We pushed you more and more… until you lost control. We're the ones that got you into the situation you are in now. It's not your fault, Ichigo."

"I…" Ichigo begins and slumps forward onto the table, his hands in his hair, "I'm sorry."

"Idiot," Ishida says this with a smile. He gets to his feet and walks to Ichigo's chair, easing the rough hands out of the orange hair and stroking it gently instead, "I was the one apologising."

Tilting his head back, Ichigo pulls the other boy's head down, so it is closer to his. With a genuine smile, he strokes the thin lips with his thumb. "Thank you, Uryuu. For being here. For still being alive."

Ishida allows Ichigo to have full control of the kiss as their lips meet. The Shinigami's tongue pushes into his mouth, sliding against his own and Ishida groans quietly as Ichigo kisses him with raw emotion. Their lips separate for a brief moment for them to gasp in air and the next second, they are back together again, this time with Ishida's tongue in Ichigo's mouth. Ichigo pulls him down so that the Quincy is sitting in his lap and when the kiss finally ends, they rest their foreheads against each other, closing their eyes and simply enjoying their closeness.

"And thank you, Ichigo," Ishida whispers, "For coming back. For being you, so I could believe in you. For letting me stay sane."

Ichigo's lips spread into a grin, looking at Ishida through half-lidded eyes. "Liar. We're in love, aren't we? We're both insane. That's what love is."

"Fine," Ishida smiles, his arms wrapping around Ichigo's shoulders, "We're insane. Mad. It feels wonderful."

Pressing his lips against Ishida's, the redhead buries his face in the other boy's neck, "Agreed."

The Quincy strokes the short spiky hair beneath his fingers with a tenderness that cannot usually be associated with him. He feels his heart feeling lighter, knowing that although it will take a while longer for them both to recover from the ordeal of Hueco Mundo and fighting the Espada, the scars will fade with time, with the help of moments like these.  


x


End file.
